CONTAINS SPOILERS

So I just saw Rogue One yesterday. Let me first say, fantastic movie. Way better than The Force Awakens, but it wasn’t hard to top that piece of shit JJ Abrams put out. And that’s amazing to me, because the hype behind The Force Awakens was HUGE. Like everything was Star Wars, and we got a pathetic attempt at a remake. Then I hear like four weeks ago that this new movie coming out, “Rogue One”, is actually a Star Wars movie. No hype behind it, and we got a top 3 Star Wars movie.

The movie itself was great. The thing about Force Awakens was nobody really cared about what happened once The Rebellion won. Like good for Han and Leia, but did people really care about their pissed-off, Sith-loving son? In Rogue One, we got to see an improvement on the prequel trilogy (which was god awful minus Revenge of the Sith) that also connected the prequel to the original trilogy. The issue with this movie, however, was we all kind of knew how it ended. Like obviously the Death Star wasn’t being blown up, we knew Jyn and Cassian had virtually zero chance of survival, but the biggest question to me during the movie was the time frame of this movie compared to A New Hope.

Some cool parts of the movie for me: obviously the ending when we learn that the plans are being given to Princess Leia and how impactful Jyn actually was on taking down the Death Star (and empire) was cool, and so was actually seeing what the Death Star can do. But the greatest part to me was Darth Vader. Honestly, is anyone a bigger bad ass than Darth Vader? We’ve seen Darth fight like three times before Rogue One (make it like 7 if you count Anakin as Darth). But Darth Vader fights were some of the most calm battles I’ve ever seen. Like go watch the Darth vs Obi Wan fight in A New Hope and tell me that I couldn’t win that fight. The second fight versus Luke is only remembered because of the whole “I’m your father” thing. The third fight was good but Darth gets mirked. I was disappointed at first when I thought Darth was only featured for force choking that commander. But at the end when you see the light saber come out, and every rebel just goes “oh shit”, you knew Darth was about to go all Vader. Nobody stood a chance vs the man. And the even cooler thing about Vader is he can keep coming back in these movies, and it’s like nothing changed (as long as James Earl Jones keeps doing the voice). Just keep finding a relatively in shape person, put them in all black, give them a mask a cape and a bullshit box for his chest that looks like a toy and you’re golden.

And because Darth Vader is such a badass, here is my top 5 movie SOB’s.

Honorable Mention #1: Tyler Durden

Tyler Durden would absolutely be on my top 5 badass list – if he were real. He is a metaphor for rebellion and anarchy. Total badass. Totally made up, too. If he weren’t just a byproduct of an insomniac fool, he’d be top 3.

Honorable Mention #2: The Bridge (Kill Bill)

People either love or hate Kill Bill, there’s no in between. I love Kill Bill. It’s the most Tarantino-esque film he’s made. While it’s not my favorite one, the way he was able to incorporate his two biggest reoccurring themes (Western and Samurai) into one two-part movie was unreal. Uma Thurman was a total badass too. Taking on a room full of samurai soldiers, breaking out of a grave, smashing Buck Who Likes To Fuck’s brain in, and making Bill’s heart explode will easily get you an honorable mention.

  1. Tony Montana

Cocaine addicted, people killing, Cuban son of a gun. I love Al Pacino. There’s nothing he can do that’ll make me say, “wow, this guy is kind of a pussy.” Impossible. Tony’s speech about being the bad guy is also one of the most true things I’ve watched. Everyone needs the bad guy to blame, and what better bad guy than the badass who comes out guns blazing with a fucking M16, grenade launcher attached, ready to take any bullet to the chest?

  1. Michael Corleone

While we’re talking about Al Pacino, the only thing better than one Al Pacino is two Al Pacinos (fuck Godfather III, I don’t consider that to be relevant at all here). Godfather II is one of the only movies that I can genuinely say is better than the original (the other is Toy Story). The transformation of Michael Corleone, from straight arrow soldier to mafia boss, not only gives Corleone this form of seriousness, but it made him a natural form of leadership that his family saw. Granted, huge dick for killing off Vito the way he did, but Lenny always has to put down George in the end. And if you’ve never read Mice of Men, I’ll repeat it, because this is the one book that for some reason every kid felt the need to spoil in high school. Lenny kills George. Shotgun to the back of the head. God that felt good.

  1. Django

Slave turned bounty hunter. What a ridiculous plot for a movie. Not for Tarantino though. Django has everything: action, comedy, romance. All around great movie, with maybe the best supporting cast I’ve ever seen. But what made Django such a badass is how calm he was. Shooting a man, riding a horse, straight in the dome and saying calmly “I’m positive he’s dead” or blowing up Samuel L, I don’t think Django smiled once in the movie, except when he got to ride off with his wife. He went out there to do one thing, kill anyone that stands in between him and his German named wife who’s name I can’t spell (Bruhilda? Broomhilda?), and got to walk away in the most badass way possible: walking away from a huge explosion.

  1. Heath Ledger’s Joker

Normally, I’d be quick to say that Heath Ledger’s Joker in The Dark Knight is the best villain performance ever. I mean, the man became so entrapped by his own character that it killed him. It literally killed him. He had nightmares of himself, he locked himself in a hotel room thinking he WAS the Joker. He went all out for this role, and there’s no doubting just how good of a performance he really put on. The Joker was always 3 steps ahead. He didn’t care about dying, he cared about killing Batman – and if he couldn’t kill the person he wanted to kill the idea of Batman. Go rewatch last fight scene between the two of them. When Batman holds the Joker out the building, threatening to drop him to his death, the Joker isn’t afraid, but laughing. Why? Because he knew that having Batman kill him, and ultimately do the one thing he swore to never do (kill people), that Batman would eventually question himself and become afraid of himself, similar to Heath Ledger’s real-life battle with himself. Unbelievable job by Heath (RIP), but this is one of the only Jokers that I genuinely like (along with Jack), so he only gets #2.

  1. Darth Vader

Was there any question here? Darth Vader is THE biggest badass around. Burned by lava, wears a fucking cape and mask, uses the force to choke out people who give him sass, and wielding that red lightsaber. Might as well be Jesus, too. Conceived without a father, can foresee the future. Sounds a lot like Jesus H Christ, but that’s neither here nor there. Darth wouldn’t be this high up on my list, because as mentioned before, his battles just were decent in the first 3 movies. But this Rogue One Vader was awesome. Killing nerds in bucket hats and throwing people across a room without touching them. That’s what Vader’s all about. And while characters like Han Solo can only be played by Harrison Ford, Vader will continue to live on in the films that are bound to come out.

Speaking of, where does Star Wars go from here? Han Solo / Chewbacca movie would be cool, but lets focus on remaking the prequels before adding a sequel to Force Awakens. I don’t even consider Phantom Menace apart of Star Wars, I view it as an incredibly good trolling job by George Lucas. Thank god Jar-Jar never ended up as the Sith Lord like suggested here, but does anyone really believe that George Lucas just tossed Jar-Jar into this movie without him having a greater impact on the overall series? Lucas claims Jar-Jar was meant as comedic relief, but c’mon, even his crew of directors couldn’t have thought it was funny at all. Complete waste of 1/6 of a saga.

-Slim

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