Is Joe Flacco Elite? The whole country wants to know. Even his parents and his brother Tom are not sure. Well tonight, we will finally get our answer. Prime-Time, Monday Night, against the Patriots, in Foxboro. For years we have pondered the question, and tonight, we will finally get our answer.
As for the rest of the league, it almost feels like we are watching a bunch of Junior Varsity games waiting for the Varsity team to suit up on Monday Night. That said, there were some very good games throughout the day yesterday that kept this gambling man on the edge of his sofa.
Doug Pederson continues to prove why he should not be a head coach, as the Eagles completely blow one at home against the Redskins. Kirky Cousins tried to throw the game away with a Pick-6 in the 4th Q, but Tulane’s own Robert Kelly came in and saved the day once again for the R-words. Not only is Kelly thriving in Jay Gruden’s offensive scheme, but he also excelled in Spanish 1010 his senior year at Tulane. Redskins are able to keep their playoff hopes alive with a 27-22 win over the Eagles.
Leveon Bell is the best Running Back on the Pittsburgh Steelers, if only because they traded away Lagerrette Blount a few seasons ago. It is funny because the reason they traded Blount was because of him influencing Bell to smoke pot, however it appears that Blount also influenced Bell by teaching him how to play football. Huge thank you to Leveon for putting up 50 fantasy points, and carrying Dak Lives Matter to a first round playoff victory, despite Dak putting up a sorry 6 points. He also managed to out-gain the Buffalo Bills entire offense by himself, and in doing so, singlehandedly put Fat Rex Ryan out of a job.
The Tennessee Titans are actually decent, probably only because Jeff Fisher is no longer their coach. They knock off Trevor Sieman and the Broncos 13-10 at home and sit atop of the AFC South, a division more pathetic then the AAC West. The only highlight from the game itself was Aqib Talib trying to fight the entire Titans sideline without a helmet on after Harry Douglas tried to kneecap Chris Harris for no reason.
Speaking of that loser division, the Texans and Colts battled it out in Houston as the two most overpaid human beings on the planet went head to head at Quarterback. Brock Osweiler threw one less Interception than Andrew Luck, and the Texans stole one in Indianapolis 22-17. Following the game, Jim Irsay consumed an entire bottle of unmarked pills and spilled more Jack Daniels then the rest of us drank this weekend.
Further matchups of pathetic teams included the Bengals beating the Browns, in the uneventful return of Bob Griffin III. He may of only managed a 20.4 total QBR, but at least his knee did not snap in half. In worse news, Jamie Collins Sr. had 15 tackles and a sack on the day, both higher totals then Elandon Roberts in his entire career. The Vikings beat the Jaguars in a game that I feel bad for you if you care about, and the Lions knocked off the Bears despite Matthew Stafford tearing his finger to pieces. The Lions are also by far the worst 9-4 team in NFL history, and I don’t think anyone will argue that.
Speaking of shitty teams with winning records, the Bucs and Falcons are now tied for the lead in the NFC south, after they both got wins yesterday. Jameis Winston continues to scream his head off, and never slide when scrambling. People commonly confuse those actions as “leading”. Matt Ryan also didn’t throw an interception in a December game for the first time in his career, and the Falcons torched the Rams 42-14. Congrats to Jeff Fisher on becoming the most losingest (probably not a word) head coach of all time, an accomplishment he has truly earned, and will probably hold forever.
What was supposed to be the best game of the day happened in Green Bay, where the Packers hosted Russell Wilson and the Seahawks. What sucked for everyone, is that Russell Wilson shat himself to the tune of 5 interceptions, and the game was never even close. Spare me the Aaron Rodgers is back talk for now, as the Packers are just 7-6 and probably won’t even make the playoffs.
Finally, Dak Lives Matter did everything he could to get Tony Romo’s Job back last night, as Cowboys lost to the Giants for the 2nd time this season. Eli Manning continues to prove that he does have some sort of disability, and the fact that he has 2 rings gives us all hope that we can achieve anything we set our minds out to do as long as we get a shit ton of luck along the way.
Cant believe I just wasted 30 minutes writing all of that meaningless dogshit, because there is only one game that matters, and it kicks off in about 6 hours. Pats-Ravens from Gillette. The revenge tour continues for Tom and Harbaugh will find another bull-shit rule to complain about after the game. Spread sits at -6 right now, and if I were a betting man, I would really like my chances here. Oh wait, I am a betting man, and I already threw 2 weeks salary on the Patriots.