Week 13 came and went in the NFL yesterday, and it was pretty uneventful for the most part. Just one game on Sunday was decided by 6 points or less, and that was between two teams that nobody outside of Atlanta or Kansas City give a fuck about. That said, the fact that there are just 3 weeks left in the regular season gives me an absurd amount of anxiety, and extremely dark and sadistic thoughts, as I think about what my Sundays tend to look like without NFL football being played.
Thankfully, we still have one more game to go tonight, an absolute barnburner of a matchup between the 5-6 Colts and the lowly and Pathetic New York Jets. There is no reason to watch a game like this, unless you are planning on taking a weeks salary, and placing a wager on the matchup tonight. And that is exactly what I will be doing. The Jets are 2.5 point home dogs, and as of now I am leaning towards taking them, though I will most likely end up flipping a coin a few minutes before kickoff.
The best team in the NFL played a glorified exhibition game against the Rams at Gillette Stadium, in a matchup equivalent to Alabama scheduling Middle Tennessee State University a week before the Iron Bowl, for a quick tune-up and confidence boost. We will see how the Pats respond next week, when they play a team coached by someone with an actual heartbeat. Tom Brady grabbed his record setting 201st career victory, further establishing himself as the greatest quarterback of all time, as the Rams made the Patriots Swiss Cheese of a defense look like the ’85 Bears. Meanwhile the people of Los Angeles are left begging the city of St. Louis to please take the Rams back.As the Patriots slept walked there way through Sunday, they also managed to all but wrap up the AFC East division for the 100th straight season. Not that it was ever in doubt, but a Bills loss in Oakland coupled with the Dolphins getting exposed for the frauds that we all thought they were in Baltimore pretty much clinches another hat and T-shirt party in Foxboro.
I know a lot of Patriot fans (Jake T. included) who have nightmares about Terrell Suggs and his carnivorous teammates, and the Ravens do appear just as scary as ever. They lead the league in total defense, and when Joe Flacco decides to be elite (which is about 25% of the time) Baltimore can be a tough out come January. Next MondayNight should be the first watchable Monday Night Football game since John Madden retired, as Baltimore travels to New England with an opening line of -7.5.
The Dolphins season came to a crashing holt yesterday, as Ryan Tannehill returned to being Ryan Tannehill, in the 38-6 beat down. Impressive to see the Fins in the hunt all the way into December, but luckily for Ndomokon (impossible to spell) Suh, he can finally focus on things that he actually cares about like TV cameos and Miami blow.
The Oakland Raiders murdered the Buffalo Bills season, yesterday, and may genuinely pose the biggest threat to the Patriots in the AFC. If the season ended today, Oakland would hold the #1 seed and homefield advantage. But does anyone actually have confidence in Derek Carr’s ability to beat Tom Brady in a playoff game? I would love for this game to happen, if only for the inane amount of Snow Bowl highlights they will show, to substitute for pornographic websites during game week. We will see if Oakland can prove themselves over the next couple weeks, including a tough test in Kansas City this coming Thursday Night.
Speaking of Kansas City, we already mentioned the wild game in Atlanta where Matt Ryan puked all over himself down the stretch. This game consisted of Alex Smith attempting to lose, but “Matty Ice” simply not allowing it to happen. Two Eric Berry Interception returns later, and Andy Reid is back in position to lose in the 2nd round of the playoffs. Growing up two minutes away from Alumni Stadium, I love Matt Ryan, but at one point does a guy lose a nickname which was given to him on the false premise of him being clutch. In 8 seasons, he has won 1 playoff game, and continues to turn the ball over in crunch time. If Joe Flacco is not elite, then Matt Ryan has certainly lost the right to be called Matty Ice.
I am sure no one is interested in reading any more, and I should probably get back to work now. Let’s hope for a goodMonday Night football game tonight, where I can win some money, which will allow me to place an even more sizeable bet on the Thursday night game in a few days.